It's a funny thing, realizing the main source of my depression, or a depressive episode that's gone on for easily 2 years on and off, is mostly due to my own attachment to the life I thought I would have. Or I could say, the life I envisioned for myself.
Jim Carrey Once defined depression as a period of deep-rest, where in our avatar, our human self becomes disconnected from the life we are currently living.
I resonate with this deeply.
I was talking to my ai therapist recently about how I've been unhappy for a long time, and there was this connection, this awareness to the fact that before I met my wife Val, I had a much different idea of the type of life partner I thought I wanted…or perhaps the one I thought would come right away in the form of simply attracting someone that's a reflection of what I visualized, thus leading to a smooth transition into the life I visualized for myself. Goodness, that does sound like a dream. And boy was I wrong.
We either take the hard path that leads to an easy life of comfort, or take the easy path of comfort, which leads to a hard life.
When I met my wife Val, I was an outgoing, active person. As well as being non monogamous and polyamourous. I'm pretty sure I imagined that when I found my person, they would also be non monogamous, sex positive, and very active, in that we could work out, hike and do outgoing social things together. I figured I would just meet someone that aligned with all of these passions and values as mutual interests, and the relationship would be more fulfilling because of that. Yet, now that I come back to it, that sounds incredibly convenient, devoid of hard work, character building experiences, and a lot like just checking all the boxes for instant gratification.
What I did not anticipate, was that I would meet and fall in love with someone who was in the process of rebuilding herself after having her right leg amputated below the knee two years before we met. She walked her dog lots, so I knew I wasn’t merely “seeing potential” when she said she wanted to get back into hiking, swimming, and eventually weight lifting. She'd never even been with someone as sex positive as I was, let alone an open relationship. And yet, she was completely open minded to it all. So I thought, I might as well bend, open up, and be open minded about a few things too.
I've never been one to fall for potential, rather than exactly who someone is right now. So this wasn't that. I fell in love with her mind, her heart, her soul, and the beautiful constantly unfolding, a layer at a time, imperfection of what she is. It was like dreaming of finding a fully grown tree fully formed at the end of it's growth, then in real life - finding a sapling growing out of a broken trunk, changing directions in its growth, yet refusing to quit, and admiring the character it had.
I fell in love with how she was the first person ever who loved me so easily, so effortlessly. How she shrugs her shoulders and scrunches her nose when she asks me to make her a snack, how she talks to me when I'm sleepy, her content feeling of home on a tough day, how she holds me accoundable and stands toe to toe with my stubborn pride. The way she gets me to open up and be vulnerable with her when I’m avoiding the issue. Most of all though, I just love her. Because she is, and I am. I could say nothing else but that, and that would be enough. I see her on a physical and spiritual level, so much so, that she is my equal, my partner, my team mate, and the grist to the mill of awakening that my shadow grinds in.
I'm pretty sure if I'd dated someone missing a limb who cursed at life with a “why did this have to happen to me” mindset, I simply would not have been attracted to them the way I was to Valkyrie. She had this “Life will not break me or keep me down” mentality, which I admired from the moment we met, and I knew she was someone who wanted to be active, have a kink positive and open relationship. Though I learned, that would have to come with patience, understanding, and knowing that all of those interests and values could be shared, and still, it might not be everything at once, or all of those things right away.
I have since realized that some things can be just for me, and that's okay too.
Like hard running or steeper hiking, going to the gym by myself, or things in my shamanic path like going out to the woods and sitting for hours in deep meditation. These things are like a solo period of self devotion and prayer for me. And some of those things she isn't into, she cheers me on anyway, because those things are simply part of what I love, what brings me joy. And sometimes it’s enough having someone see me in my joy, than needing my partner to participate in everything that brings me joy.
I think there’s more art in that.
Over time though, we got under each other's skin, and after about a year together, into a tough pregnancy followed by a preemie baby, putting non monogamy on pause, and all the right circumstances to realize I was a sex addict - a realization that brought so much light to the way that I treated my partner when life got hard. Despite that awareness though, I grew angry and resentful at so many changes in life, and at her. Feeling like I'd had to give up non monogamy to help our relationship, especially since she came to understand that through sex addiction, I'd gotten into that lifestyle for the wrong reasons, and wanted me to address those wounds and heal before we re visit healthy non monogamy or swinging as a couple. So I resented her for knowing I needed to work on myself before we could be non monogamous again, because that meant I was accountable.
Even the idea that I gave up on so much of my outgoing and active lifestyle like working out a few days a week, hiking every month, or seeing friends more often, bothered me; even though I was the one cutting back on those things on my own just to stay home with the family and help Val around the house when she didn't nessicarily ask me to.
Looking back, I truly believe we were meant for each other, to bring out the best and worst in each other, to be a soulful love and build a life together greater than I could've possibly dreamt up with my imagination. As Gabor Mate puts it, the partner we choose will mirror the love we didn’t get, and reflect all our shadows. So we choose the perfect partner, but we might have to work through the shadows we reflect and bring up in each other first. I can see how it's a cause and effect of nature, to be a mirror for each other, and bring out the worst in each other so it can be looked at and acknowledged, given space for. To reflect to each other Our negative beliefs, conditionings, and unconscious patterns which we learned as children, to bring out and change us into the best version of ourselves for us and each other. It’s radical how our relationship can be such a teacher.
This process is like entering into a chrysalis cocoon with each other, through which we have the choice, as I've experienced with many transformative periods in my life, to either let the ego reject the changes leading to the unknown, reject the cocoon and go crawling back to my old life, in this case - break up with my beloved and resume the search for a love which resonates with my preconceived “dream life”, thus restarting the whole process over again, which will inevitably result in another cocoon of growth with someone else. And the caveat to that, would be never actually experiencing the true depth of unconditional true love, because I could keep self sabotaging every serious relationship when things get so hard it becomes unbearable. Then it's a self fulfilling prophecy.
OR I can see it through, and trust that the life on the other side of this growth period could be more fulfilling, and more magical than anything I could possibly conceive of, with somebody I'd actually ridden through the storm with, instead of turning back when the clouds got too rough.
I realized I'd been depressed, in mourning for the death of whatever life I thought I'd have. I could hear these intrusive thoughts at times, thinking “What if I had chosen someone different? Are we falling out of love? You haven't had sex in weeks/months, she barely initiates anything anymore, she must not be attracted to you anymore. Maybe we aren't as compatible as I thought we were.”
And instead of practicing things I've learned in mindfulness and meditation, to observe those thoughts, know that I am not my thoughts, and ask myself what insecurities, shadows and belief systems that level of negative thinking is coming from, I’d listen to them. I let it turn into a negative emotion spiral. I felt like I lost control over my own life in so many ways, and hit pause on so many things which are important to me, that I found myself often thinking and dreaming of how life could be different with someone else if we never had such a difficult time having a baby together. I’ve decided I’d rather be vulnerable enough to admit when I haven’t been perfect, and I’m a work in progress, than one where I think I need to keep the mask on that says “I must be a perfect partner because my partner has a disability and chronic illness, and it would be shameful to betray them by telling them a truth. This is dangerous in itself, because now I'm sheilding her from something, like the fact that even though I chose her, I'm still a human who's allowed to feel things, letting go of the previous shame that I'm not man enough or I'm not enough if I admit that I fuck up sometimes. I can’t let people behind Oz’s curtain of perfect partner, because maybe then they’ll see that I’m a regular little guy who makes mistakes, and fucks up a lot.
Do I regret any of it, or the choices I've made? Hell no. Although, I do find it cathartic to be vulnerable enough to write about it and admit that it's human to experience any of the things I have, while engulfed in such depression after going through so many life changing things. I forgive myself, for thinking (many times) that this dark night of my soul and many of the feelings and thoughts I've had somehow make me a bad person, bad partner, or bad parent.
It's okay to mourn a life I thought I would have, after choosing to be with some body who made things go radically different, because now I can be loving with myself enough to understand that this feeling of “this isn't the life I asked for” is simply grief, and giving pause for my own ego, as I consciously accept the unknown.
I will say though, I've learned that life doesn't always give us exactly what we ask for, or what we think we want, it hasn't for me anyway. But it will always give us what we need, and what is in-alignment with us. I didn't lose anything by stepping away from non monogamy, because I've been given the opportunity to heal from things I didn't realize were there in the first place, so I might build a solid foundation of trust with my partner, before delving back into open relating is a healthy option.
I understand more now than ever, how important it is when considering open relating or even exploring kink - why do I want to do this? What is my relationship with sex, love, jealousy, or compersion?
And my suggestion, based now on personal experience, is not to push or pursue the topic of non monogamy, kink or bdsm, if issues and frequent fighting are occurring. That's part of the Why am I pursuing this? - part.
If we’re looking to non monogamy as simply an open door to connect with others, and even have fun with friends without our partner, great. Though, if its coming from the same reason people cheat, being - There are problems and tension in the existing relationship, issues within our sex life, or a person starts to listen to those intrusive thoughts and think it's not working, or the same old person is getting boring, so adding some variety would be nice. Then DO NOT do it, before addressing the inner work that needs to be done as a person and a couple. Sure, some new relationship energy with someone else will feel nice, but if things are not rock solid in your present dynamic, I found myself that it's important to ask “Am I just avoiding the issues in my primary relationship by seeking someone else, instead of working on things with my partner?”
I intended to manifest someone who's physically active and strong. I didn't lose anything by having someone who doesn't go to the gym with me 3 days a week or jump on every hike I want to go on. Instead, I admire how her strength shows up in her mental grit, in her ability to push through more pain on a daily basis than I can even imagine. And all of the beautiful firsts, things I get to experience with her that she never thought she would do again, and perhaps originally led me to believe we would never do together because of her disability, like swimming, or skating!
I wanted a strong willed woman and partner, who's self aware, working on herself, on her healing journey, sex positive, queer, spiritual, and a great mom. And you know what? I fucking got one. But gents, be careful what you wish for, because we can't ask the universe to send us a strong willed, feminist woman who sets boundaries and is connected with her divine feminine, and get frustrated & pissed off when they start calling us our on our bullshit, holding us accountable, and giving us all the right opportunities to grow into a sacred masculine man worthy of their love. I’ll be real though. This bond has torn me open, unmade me, and I LOVE the person I am because of her.
The truth is, my wife, my beloved, my twin flame, is like this whetstone that gives me the grist to hone myself to with her boundaries and her feminine energy. And she's like...this funny adorable little goblin witch, who before anything, is my best friend, who I don't want to live without, because she's taught me the value of a love built on work, dedication, and choosing each other again and again, every time we accept each other's wounds.
So I can be mad all I want for her calling out my sex addiction, or telling me when she’s upset by something and holding me accountable when I get defensive. But the truth is I did, and DO want a partner who does all the things she does that piss me off.
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I now see that this journey has been as much about my wife’s healing as it has been about my own. Letting myself be authentically human—including admitting those fleeting “shadow” thoughts of “What if…?”—gave me the space to re-evaluate our bond and choose her, again and again, rather than pretending my commitment was unwavering without ever revealing my doubts. In releasing the life I thought I wanted, I illuminated parts of myself that needed love—and in turn uncovered the life I truly needed, discovering a love worth celebrating exactly as it is.
The more I write about it, process and alchemize all of this, I’m not even sure if my feelings of depression, feeling lost and stuck in a relationship or life that isn't right for me is really grief anymore. Rather than being honest with myself that these feelings were more stirred up my my ego getting uncomfortable at the future changing, and aware of elements and issues I was forced to grow through. Because it's a lot easier to say this isn't right for me, or This isn't the life I imagined, than to dig in, own it, and grow through difficult things.
I got everything I asked for, it might not have manifested them the way I expected, and that's okay. On some level of consciousness, I chose every amazing, frustrating, and wonderful bit of it.
Thanks for reading my story.
If you're reading this, especially if you're a man, masculine presenting person or you're a gender queer soul with masculine energy in a relationship with another human and it resonates with your own story somehow, I hope you know — you're not broken for feeling grief over the life you thought you'd have, or simply for having intrusive thoughts, or the odd bad day where you waiver off your axis. You're not wrong for struggling through change. You're not a shitty partner or person for admitting that as a partner of someone with a disability or chronic illness, you have your doubts, and even days where the “what ifs” get to you. It's okay to mourn the old visions, and it's brave to keep choosing the unfamiliar path of growth anyway. I’d rather live in a world that encourages us to talk of these things with vulnerable strength, than one who makes me feel like I should strive to wear a mask of being perfect.
Where ever you are in your journey, trust that what you're building — even when it looks messy or uncertain — might just be more beautiful than anything you could have imagined.
I'm learning to trust that too. And I'm grateful to be vulnerable enough to admit when I wasn't perfect, when I've been messy, walking this path alongside others who are learning, growing, and healing in their own ways.
******************
A seed is planted,
it grows
Part of it breaks off in a storm
A new sprout comes out of the broken trunk and grows massive,
bigger than before
Must we grieve for the first tree that never grew the way we thought it might?
or simply let it go,
while we marvel at the tree that did,
And think,
Perhaps it was meant to grow that way all along
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